Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
me, too, girl. me, too.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
