The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
They’re stuck in your pants?
