5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
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Every photo I’m tagged in
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Catering service
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.