I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Come back with a warrant
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me