How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of