My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You Might Also Like
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Beauty and the Beast
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.