Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Can. I. Help. You.

“you look easy to draw”

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa