Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
That de-escalated quickly
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.