Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
You Might Also Like
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Body by cheese-puffs.