Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend