[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
