Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside