馃槶
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don鈥檛 eat it
Her: What鈥檚 that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that鈥檚 insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other鈥檚 podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i鈥檓 gonna try being a stray for a while
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don鈥檛 you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I鈥檓 not allowed
*kicks dirt
I鈥檓 forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I鈥檓 not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady鈥檚 hair and I didn鈥檛 tell her.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 馃檮
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven鈥檛 let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he鈥檚 going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it鈥檚 too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn鈥檛 have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Son: We鈥檙e having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That鈥檚 for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Why can鈥檛 I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he鈥檚 given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
sorry but I don鈥檛 want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I鈥檓 trying to be a talkative idiot
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.