Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

The government even made aliens boring

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.