Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

😂😂

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.