Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Snapes on a plane.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian