Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Smooooooth
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!