Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

shampoo implies shampee

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Oh the world we live in…

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN