Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

sensitive skin

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My first son he is wonderful

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked