The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!