Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

How many? 🤔

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Happy Halloween 🎃

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China