Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

you stereotypes are all alike

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Buck naked

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer