Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
You Might Also Like
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
That’s not how days work.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
He a real one for that
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.