Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best