Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes