Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you