America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
You Might Also Like
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
When can I start eating bats again.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Unmatched
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is