Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
You Might Also Like
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
journal
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!