Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.