Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24