Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?