Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”