Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

🤣🤣

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.