Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Harsh but fair

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

“you recording!?”

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]