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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are