I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Yep.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?