Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.