Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.