My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I went from rags to one rag.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Just ordered me some pizza!
