Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Everyone’s family

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.