Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
You Might Also Like
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.