Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

man i love columbo

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

⛄️

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.