Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Wow 🤣

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.