her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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is this a threat
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
As a doctor, I can confirm
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature