jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You Might Also Like
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not