You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank