bias laundering edition
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
finally found a reasonable question
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂