you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.