I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
haha same
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Planet of the Apps.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great