*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“What movie?” 🤔
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”